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Affairs 101 – Sexual Affairs and Infidelities
Sexual affairs are the most commonly recognized affairs. In his book, You, him and the other woman, Paul Coleman, PsyD, suggests that while purely sexual affairs can be truly “gut wrenching,” they are usually less complicated to deal with than emotional or sexual-emotional affairs. Although popular thinking says that men are more likely to engage in sexual affairs, this is a misconception. Women are just as capable of having sexual relationships as men.
Whether it’s a one-night stand or a long-term affair, sexual affairs are usually driven by a desire for sexual satisfaction, but can arise for a number of reasons. Some who are caught cheating say they had a “moment of weakness,” which can include being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. An engaged man may sleep with his ex-girlfriend just to make sure “he still doesn’t have feelings for her” as he prepares to marry his current fiancée. Sometimes the chemistry is there and a woman may find it safe to have a secret fling “just once” to see how good it would be.
The reasons continue. An otherwise faithful spouse experiences the “seven-year itch” when sex at home becomes stale and predictable. A newlywed couple may feel that the newness of their relationship has worn off within the first year of marriage, and both go astray because they feel “stuck.” A common strain on marriages, the birth of the first child, can also spur adultery. Couples have been known to experience distance from each other as family dynamics shift. Witnessing his wife giving birth can create a loss of the man’s sexual attraction to his wife. Or the still-in-love man may feel closer and more aroused by his wife, but discovers that she is no longer interested in sex. To fulfill his needs, he fulfills them discreetly elsewhere.
Despite cheating on you (possibly without a condom), your cheating boyfriend will beg you for forgiveness and try to convince you that you’re the one for him. “She meant nothing to me. I never loved her,” he says. “She was just sex. It was just sex. You’re the one I want. I love you more than anything and you mean the world to me.” Unfortunately, those words don’t dull the searing pain of discovery once you learn everything he’s done to hide the affair from your knowledge. These actions drove an invisible wedge into the intimacy of your relationship long before you even knew the truth, erasing your trust in him.
While sexual affairs can also include online adultery, cybersex, phone sex, and use of pornography, for now we will say that sexual involvement with anyone other than the beau’s committed spouse can be considered sexual adultery, especially if preventive measures are taken by cheaters to keep their activities secret.
Signs of a sexual affair are:
- New use of prescription or over-the-counter sexual aids, such as Viagra.
- New, unexplained use of contraception or condoms.
- Discovery or loss of clothing, such as another woman’s clothes in his glove compartment, or his favorite T-shirt missing from the laundry.
- Unexplained hiding of clothes or sudden interest in washing clothes
- Mysterious stains or scents on clothes and underwear (lipstick on his collar, vaginal scent on his underwear).
- Unannounced time and disappearing acts. For example, going to the store for a simple item, yet taking over an hour to get back.
- A sudden change in sex drive, where your partner’s normal sex drive rises or falls beyond the norm.
- Sudden changes in sexual behavior. New interests in various sexual experiments.
- Unexpected renewed interest in physical appearance. Example: a slightly overweight or unfit woman can take up diet and exercise and get a makeover.
- Excessive showering, especially as soon as they get home.
- Partner is not as available at certain times of the day, such as when they are supposed to be at work.
- Work extra hours – but you never see the extra money.
- Random change in character, specifically making the person more introverted, quiet and private.
- Intuition – that “gut feeling” that something is wrong. You don’t know how, but you know.
- Not being able to maintain/sustain an erection. Problems with ejaculation.
- Being “too tired” to have sex with you.
- Accusing you of cheating.
Can sexual infidelity be forgiven? Should I take him back?
Any infidelity can be forgiven. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not for the forgiven, and is essential to surviving infidelity.
Whether or not you should take back a cheater depends, among other things, on whether you feel that you will be able to trust your cheating husband/wife again. You will need to know if the events were part of a larger problem in the relationship, or just part of his potentially abusive nature. Was this one night stand the first and only time they’ve cheated, or have you had nagging suspicions and this is the first time you’ve caught them? Is your husband usually reliable, patiently waiting for your “headache” or “jaw” to go away, then giving up in a moment of weakness after a long sexual drought? Does your wife or girlfriend feel entitled to have someone else finish the job you started if you are unable to? Does your partner feel entitled to seek sexual satisfaction at any cost, regardless of your feelings?
It’s safe to say that in the grand scheme of things, one of the biggest indicators of whether or not a relationship is salvageable depends on the cheater’s attempt at damage control. A truly remorseful cheater will not only ask for forgiveness, they will be open to almost anything you need to show that they are sorry for the pain they have caused. Whether that means loss of freedoms, long counseling sessions, or buying you a new car (it’s happened), someone who truly cares will put their ego aside. On the other hand, a person who feels justified in their behavior will be more likely to deflect blame or deny being entirely at fault. They may be quite comfortable with the bed they have made, whether you stay or go. Should you stay, they will more than likely feel that you accept their behavior and things will not change.
These thoughts also don’t take into account extra factors, such as children, lifestyle, religious beliefs, moral values, etc. Therefore, in the end, you need to analyze your relationship to see what will work best for you.
FINAL WORD OF CAUTION: Due to the nature of sexual affairs, it would also be best to get tested immediately for any and all STDs, including AIDS. Your partner may or may not have had protection, putting you at risk. Get tested regularly and immediately resume the use of condoms, birth control and other sexual protection if you decide to sleep with this person again.
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