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I Want So Badly To Reconcile With My Spouse, But Nothing’s Changed – Is This Still Possible?
I often hear from people who are already separated or who are being pressured to “take a break” from their marriage at the insistence of their unhappy spouse. Often, what these spouses want more than anything else is for something to change so that they can reconcile with their unhappy spouse. But when a reconciliation happens seemingly out of the blue without much effort, they may understandably question the validity of this.
Common comments are things like, “my husband left our home about three weeks ago to pursue a trial separation that I never wanted. I was able to talk him into going to counseling because my goal was always not just to maintaining our marriage but improving it. Well, every time our deal fell around, my husband would find a reason to cancel. I always knew he wouldn’t go to counseling, but I didn’t expect him to wriggle out of it the way he Last weekend my husband and I went out to eat and we had a lovely time. By the end of the night we started making out and one thing led to another. The next morning my husband hinted that he was going to try to reconcile. Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited about this. But when I talked to my mom about this, she said that this reconciliation is never going to work because nothing has changed between us. She says that because we never actually consulted giving, we are going to suffer from the same old marital problems until this is not true. I hope my husband realizes he took me for granted. One of our biggest problems was that our little arguments would quickly escalate into big fights. I’m not sure if this will change. I worry about this, but I would never refuse to reconcile with my husband. I love him too much and that’s what I’ve been hoping for all along. But am I only setting myself up for disappointment? Can we really reconcile if nothing has changed?”
I did not want to destroy this wife’s hope. Some couples are able to cope as long as they make the necessary changes after the reconciliation takes place. I know it’s very tempting to want to put it all behind you as soon as possible. I understand that I will pretend it never happened. But if you do these things, you run the real risk of letting the problems take over again. And when this happens, it’s sometimes harder to reconcile because one or both people may start to assume that nothing will ever change. So below I’ll give some tips on how to make sure that things actually change gradually so that you can enjoy a successful and lasting reconciliation.
Know that a break can sometimes put things into perspective: People in this situation often admit that they can really question why their spouse, who was so miserable before, is suddenly willing to come home and reconcile. They often worry that he has found out how much living alone or a divorce will cost him. So they suspect that he came back out of concern over money or maybe because of loneliness, but not for any legitimate reasons.
I understand why you might have these concerns. But it is also true that it is possible that your spouse really misses you during the separation. And often a break can make you see how much you took someone for granted, as well as how adamant you were in your views. Try not to worry too much because there are very legitimate and common reasons that people want to unite. And now that you have this opportunity, you can take the actions to strengthen your marriage so that your worries never have to become reality.
Solve your most vexing problems as your marriage can withstand the process: Many people understandably want to solve their problems as quickly as possible. In this scenario, the wife was understandably very concerned and took her mother’s words to heart. But there is a risk of trying to do too much too soon. You don’t want to discourage your husband’s enthusiasm for reconciliation by examining everything that’s wrong with your marriage instead of celebrating what’s right. I am in favor of solving your problems. But I suggest you do this very gradually and tackle more and more when your marriage is back on solid ground. You want to make sure you are deeply connected to your spouse before trying to tackle very difficult issues.
This couple had a problem with fighting or disagreeing in a negative way. The mother was right that it is a problem that needs to be solved. It is unrealistic to think that you will never disagree with your spouse again. So it is important that you learn to disagree in a healthy way. But you can do this in a very positive and playful way without having to create a lot of extra conflict. The key is to ensure that the process brings you closer together rather than driving you apart again.
But to answer the question asked, yes, I think you can try to reconcile when nothing has changed. And I believe that the excitement of reconciliation can be a good place to start the healing process. But I also believe that if you don’t eventually address the issues that lead to the separation in the first place, they will only resurface and potentially damage your marriage even more. So let your reconciliation be the catalyst that inspires some change and improvement.
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