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My Husband’s Mistress is Trying to Contact Me – Should I Talk to Her?
I often talk to women who have recently found out that their husbands have been unfaithful. I notice that very often the wife is more concerned about the other woman or the man’s mistress than she is about her husband or her marriage. It is only natural to wonder about this woman and want to know more about her. After all, she is the person who has had a big role in turning your world upside down, and you will see for yourself who you are fighting with.
So many women will email me when the other woman tries to contact them and wonder what to do. Common questions are: “should I meet her face to face or on the phone?” “should I tell my husband I’m going to meet her?” or “should I just ignore this woman? Do I really want to let her into my life?” I will answer these questions in the following article.
Define why you want to confront the mistress: Before I offer my advice, I want you to take a minute and think about what you hope to achieve by meeting the other woman. I’ll tell you what are some common answers to this question to get you started:
- You want to size her up. You want to know if she is younger than you, sexier than you, or prettier than you. In short, is she viable competition?;
- you want to grill her about how the affair happened and what’s happening now, comparing it to your husband’s version of events;
- you want to threaten her and tell her she better leave your family alone;
- you will appeal to her sense of decency and tell her that her actions are hurtful and ask her to stop immediately;
- you will tell her that she can have your husband and that the two of them deserve each other; or
- you want to tell her you want to save your marriage and you want her to make her big exit so she’s not in your way.
Why you often won’t achieve these goals when dating the woman your husband is cheating with: Once you have defined what you want out of this meeting, I want you to honestly consider whether you really believe that you will be able to achieve this by meeting her. Because, I can tell you that OVERWHELMING my readers tell me that the meeting didn’t go nearly as well as they planned, or didn’t even begin to give them what they were hoping for.
Honestly, for the meeting to go well, this woman needs to be rational, honest, receptive and accommodating. Has her past behavior indicated that she is any of these things? Absolutely not. Her past behavior has shown her to be a liar, a traitor, a manipulator and an opportunist. So it is foolish to think that you will get help or reliable information from her. In truth, she has asked for this meeting or she is trying to contact you because she WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU – something that will help her, not you.
Why the mistress is likely to contact you: Often the mistress will contact the wife as part of a strategy. She wants to feel you and see who she is competing with. She wants to conjure up words that she can use against you with your husband. She wants to paint herself as the innocent party in all of this (he came to her.) And she wants to make sure you know that she has the cards, that she can continue to take your husband and control your life , if that’s what she wants to do.
Sometimes the “other woman” will play this differently. She will initially come off as apologetic, swearing that this is the first time she has done this, that she did not mean for this to happen, and that she is deeply ashamed. She wants to apologize as a way to assuage her guilt. This may even give you some closure or a sense of relief. But I must tell you that many mistresses who take this tactic often go on to continue with the man. They will show remorse and tell you one thing, only to do another.
Their real goal is to adjust to you, hear your side of the story, and then go back and confront their lover (your husband) in hopes that he will assure HER that she is the one he really wants. It’s all part of a game that she plays to her advantage.
What do you need to get over if you have to meet her: Despite all these facts, many women will tell me, “I know you’re right. You really are, but I have to see her. I just can’t stand not knowing what she looks like or who she is.” I understand this. I used to go along with my husband’s mistress but in the end I never made contact because I realized it would do more harm than good.
But if you are going to talk to her, I would definitely recommend keeping it short and sweet. Define the things you really want to get through, say them calmly, and walk away. Don’t allow her to engage you or pump you for information. Don’t allow her to throw hurtful information at you that may not be true. Don’t allow her to drag you down into her muck.
The best revenge on her: In truth, what will get this woman more than anything else is to IGNORE HER and take your husband back (if you want him). Because really, what she wants more than anything is to insert herself into you and your husband’s life. She wants to hurt you, weaken you, and force your hand so that she appears more attractive in comparison.
Honestly, she has no place in your life, so don’t let her in. The best thing you can do is get her out of your life as soon as possible and close the door firmly and permanently.
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