Call Me Old Fashion Call Me Out Of Style My Separated Husband Is Finally Calling Me, Should I Answer?

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My Separated Husband Is Finally Calling Me, Should I Answer?

When you are separated, communication with your spouse can be very confusing. After all, when you were living together and your marriage was on track, you probably never had to think about when or how you would communicate. If your husband was in the room and you needed or wanted to talk to him, you would simply start a conversation. If you weren’t physically together and you had something you needed to say, you would text or call him, whichever was most appropriate at the time.

But when you’re separated, things aren’t nearly as easy as all that. Many people have had awkward, strained or thwarted conversations during their separation. In fact, when to talk, whether to talk or what to say is one of the most confusing topics you may encounter during your separation. Add the fear or rejection and it is very normal to be afraid of ruining everything. It can make you wonder if you should attempt (or be receptive to) communication at all.

Here is a typical situation. A wife might say, “when my husband and I first separated, I honestly assumed we would check in with each other every day. Honestly, when I picked up the phone to call him, I didn’t hesitate. When looking back, I should have hesitated a bit because he clearly wasn’t happy to hear from me. Things got so bad that sometimes he wouldn’t respond at all. And then he started ignoring my texts. I am though a stubborn person so I kept trying. This really upset me because I felt so vulnerable and rejected that I had to be the one to always call. So I stopped calling and reaching out. It hurt me to do this. But it hurt less than trying to communicate and constantly getting rejected. This hurt me. lasted about six weeks. And then suddenly last weekend my husband started calling. I wasn’t home the first time it happened and he left a message saying it’s been a long time since he heard my voice , and he wants to see how I am I thought maybe he just felt guilty so I said t’s fine. But he called again, and he has called sporadically ever since. So far I’ve let the calls go to voicemail and the texts go unanswered. I know it’s petty, but I feel he deserves it. Some of my friends say I take it too far. Are they right? Should I answer when he calls? Or will ignoring him make him want to talk to me even more?”

I totally understand how you feel. I felt the same way. I got so frustrated with being the only one who cared about our separation that I finally just checked out for a while. Afterwards, the man finally came up with the program, and then I had a choice to make.

Things to consider: Here is a consideration that really helped. I was able to look at my own actions. I was so deflated by calling and getting no answer that I finally checked out. After a while I gave up. Well, now my husband was in the same situation. Could I really expect him to keep calling when I didn’t? And did I really want him to stop trying?

The answer was absolutely no. Think about it. If you have two people both trying to prove a point, you can end up with two people who never reconnect. If you don’t put an end to the deadlock, it can become permanent. This may be okay if your marriage is no longer important to you. But if that’s the case, not talking for long periods of time can be a big risk. Things tend to get more and more difficult and it can be harder to jump back in the longer the silence is present.

Compromise can be key and can allow both of you to get what you want: After giving this some thought and letting the silence wear on me, I decided a compromise was in order. At the beginning of my separation I was clearly exaggerating things. I was ready to pounce the moment my husband snapped his fingers, and it did nothing to encourage him to be respectful and reliable.

So it wasn’t a bad idea sometimes not to be available every time he called. But it was just a bad idea to NEVER talk to him. So I started talking and texting. But because I had started to create a balance and did not act so desperately, things got better. I don’t think you have to jump to answer the phone every time.

But if you want to save your marriage, you should definitely answer it some or most of the time. Because if you’re going to reconcile, you have to communicate. You need to get familiar with each other again. You need to rebuild trust, laugh again and start to restore some of that intimacy.

None of this will be possible if you never communicate. Plus, restoring communication is usually the first step in starting to date each other again. It is difficult for one thing to exist without the other.

So while I totally understand why you might want to let the phone ring and the texts go unanswered, I don’t think you’ll want to do this indefinitely. He is now reaching out to you, which is exactly what you wanted. But there is a point where you can take things too far. Consider seeing what he has to say. See how things go. And if you feel taken for granted, you can always take a step back. But he is your husband. And he reaches out to you. If your marriage is still important to you, I think it’s worth seeing what he has to say.

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