Call Me Old Fashioned But I Think Your Shorts Spray Tanning: An Interesting and Intimate Experience!

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Spray Tanning: An Interesting and Intimate Experience!

As I’ve gotten older (and bigger) I’ve come to a conclusion: Fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer gets closer, I get mad about wearing my shorts (let alone a bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never gotten a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Step One: Call to schedule an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (as if everyone doesn’t know the brown color is fake).

Step Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not use any lotion or make-up.

Step Three: Decide to shower right before the appointment. Exfoliate.

Step Four: Get out of the bathtub.

Step Five: Realize you have big HAIR (down and around places that will be spray tan) and get back in the tub.

Step Six: Shave places you can’t see. Be impressed by my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. Wondering if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.

Step Seven: Wondering if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will scar her for life.

Step Eight: Go sans lotion or make-up to the tanning bed (resist the urge to scratch instant shave burn and feel a new “hairless backside.”

Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable when I strip down to my thong panties. Feel comfortable with the decision to shave (places down there).

Step Ten: Put on stupid shower cap.

Step Eleven: Don’t try to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the very act of spraying another nude is awkward enough.

Step Twelve: Clap silently inside as she doesn’t ask me to “bend over” to spray an actual ass-crack (the white crack tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Step Thirteen: Wonder if the “Tanning Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my backside are a real card.

Step Fourteen: Pretend you don’t notice she’s going to walk over your butt cheeks approx. 5 times (whereas every other area took once).

Step Fifteen: Pretend it’s not awkward as you liven up your legs to make sure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.

Step Sixteen: Let things dry. Get a table in the time it takes to dry and dance in the mirror with a bathing cap on after the tanned lady leaves the room.

Step Seventeen: Get out of the tanning bed and pretend that the tan girl and I are probably married in some countries (given the things she’s seen!)

Step Eighteen: Replace all the tanning solutions back on the shelves that my two-year-old took down.

Step Nineteen: Remove “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again: “Yes, even fat looks better tanned!”

Step Twenty-One: Look great with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!

Step 22: Tell everyone what experience I had and definitely encourage them to go through the same things I had to!

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